by Laura Xia’25
During evening chapel on January 30th, Rev Talcott delivered a well-loved speech on types of relationships. The speech is based on the ideas of philosopher Martin Buber, who characterizes relationships into two broad categories: “I-thou” relationships and “I-it” relationships. In simple terms, an “I-thou” relationship is when one treats the other as a fellow human being worthy of respect whereas an “I-it” relationship is when one treats the other as a tool or means to a goal. Rev Talcott provided examples of these two types of relationships and encouraged us to reflect on and categorize our own relationships, changing or discarding the “I-it” ones and nurturing the “I-thou” ones.
Both Rev Talcott’s talk and Buber’s book I and Thou characterize “I-it” relationships as hurtful relationships. Though I agree with this idea, I find an “imbalance” relationship more hurtful than an “I-it” relationship. Buber categorizes relationships into “I-it” and “I-thou” ones because he focuses on the perspective of one person in the relationship. However, if we think of the relationship from the point of view of both parties, we come to find three types of relationships:
“I-thou” + “I-thou”
“I-it” + “I-it”
“I-thou” + “I-it”
The first and second types are not hurtful, although admittedly the first type is superior in that it is more long-lasting and worthy of maintaining. I think of the first type as a “friend” relationship, in which both persons value each other for what they are as a whole. We accept each other entirely, and we don’t “need” anything from each other except reciprocated love and acceptance. Since in such relationships we value each other for who we are as a being, no one can be hurt. On the other hand, the second type is a “lab partner” relationship. We engage with our lab partners for their positive qualities, whether it be a strong work ethic or good communication skills. Instead of viewing the other person as a whole being, we oftentimes simply see them as an “efficient work partner” who serves as the means for us to get a good lab grade. Although it involves “I-it” approaches, no one is hurt in a “lab partner” relationship. This is because the involved parties are both well aware that their relationship is an “I-it” one. No one expects their lab partner to care for them as a fellow person, we just want them to get the job done. So it is impossible to be hurt in a “lab partner” relationship because the scales are balanced—we equally don’t care enough about each other.
The third type of relationship, characterized by an "I-thou" relationship combined with an “I-it” one, is the hurtful one. Here, one individual has genuine care and regard for the entirety of the other, while the recipient views them solely through the lens of utility, valuing only a specific trait that is useful to them. This imbalance becomes painfully apparent when one realizes they are degraded to a mere tool in the eyes of their counterpart, rid of recognition for their intrinsic humanity. It’s like realizing that a beloved friend thinks of you as only a great lab partner who helps them get an ‘A’ in their projects.
The most hurtful part of these unbalanced relationships is the fragility of them. Should the "I-thou" individual no longer embody the trait or quality viewed as valuable by their "I-it" counterpart, the delicate equilibrium breaks, and the relationship fades as the “I-it” individual stops needing the “I-thou” individual.
How do we stop ourselves from being harmed by an unbalanced relationship? To balance the scale, we either force more care into the “I-it” individual or take away care from the “I-thou” individual. Although both of these courses of action are hard, the latter is relatively more achievable. As an “I-it” individual in a relationship, it is hard to care more about the other person because the incentive to care more stems from wishing the other person well. If they never cared, there is no way to force more care into them. On the other hand, it is possible to strip away care from the “I-thou” individual even if the process is painful. The essence is to gradually decrease expectations for the other person and face the fact that they cannot reciprocate the care.
Ultimately, the trick to not being hurt in a relationship is recognizing the importance of balancing the scale. And for more meaningful relationships, try to focus on the “I-thou” relationships where the other person is willing to reciprocate.